Parental Epiphany
M Alan Roberts

We all want to raise our children up the right way, but most of us have to experiment around with different techniques of rearing before we find the "right" way. I know that I have. I have three children: 6, 11 and 15 years of age. Through the past decade and a half, I know that I have read about a hundred different parenting books, watched videos, taken classes and just lived it - and I still wasn't sure how to bring my children up knowing that I had done it "right". And then, 3 months ago, I had a parental epiphany.

It all came clear in a flash. The answer had been there with me all of my life - before I ever even had children of my own: Use the law of the land as my guide. I decided to initiate a child rearing plan based on the solid principals of the US justice system itself. Let me tell you, I have never experienced more positive and constructive behavioral changes -- and with a quickness!

My wife and I first constructed a small room addition in the basement, off to the far corner. We only had to build two walls and a bunk bed inside of them. I ran some rudimentary plumbing to install a commode and a wash basin. Besides that, there is nothing in the room -- not even a window.

My 15 year old was the first to experience the new consequences for breaking the rules. We incarcerated her for one week when she returned home past curfew on a Friday evening. She failed to report at her designated time or to even call in. The penalty was one week in the basement slammer. Being a first time offender with a non-violent offense, she was granted an early release after having served only 5 of the 7 days. She was of course put on probation and fined heavily. She earns roughly $45 per week from her part time job at the local ice cream parlor of which she now surrenders $37.50 to us, that is, the probation Department, which allows her money to put gasoline in her moped to get back and forth.

My wife and I quickly saw the potential to generate a good revenue stream from this type of effective parenting. That's when we created more rules for our familial penal code. We wanted to wrap the kids up with so many rules and regulations that it would be almost impossible to not screw up in some way - and regularly! We have now incarcerated all three of our children. In addition to the funds generated from the 15 year old, we are receiving additional payments from the middle child to the tune of $22.75 per week for his probationary supervision. He generates a pretty little penny from that neighborhood paper route.

You would be surprised how lucrative a little home jail can become. The 5 year old has also been granted early release on three separate charges. Because she has no income to speak of yet, her allowance is confiscated weekly and additional chores are assigned and strictly enforced. The children are giving us no problems because - obviously - they dread the thought of further imprisonment. We are expanding the jail to be able to handle more than one inmate at a time with the profits generated. We are also trying to get pregnant again to increase the population of jailable persons in the home.

I am thankful to God to be an American where we are granted such excellent standards of government for ourselves and our children. I am sure that by following the leads of the greatest nation on the planet, my children will flourish into well-balanced adults that really know how to tow the line. How simplistically beautiful!

As the man of the house and CO of the basement jail, I also reserve the right to incarcerate my wife. As soon as she's pregnant again, I will do just that.