The Almost Christmas Party
David Simmonds

Christmas happens every year / it can wear a little thin

So Santa said “I think it’s time / for me to go all in

“I’m going to host a party / when all the work is done

We’ll hold it down in Wellington / where they’re always having fun

“We’ll ask the usual suspects, but / let’s think outside the box

For instance, ask those shepherd guys / the ones who watched their flocks!

“We’ll have the blessed Mother come / and Joseph if he’s able

And the cattle whose loud lowing noise / woke sleepers in the stable

“And of course that famous baby / born on Christmas day

Yes - Justin Trudeau - though he’s never / In a manger lay

“The kids in town will have to come / so they’ll want lots of treats

While we wassail they’ll skate around / on the rink at Midtown Meats

“We must invite the three wise men / assuming they’re in town

They’d love to meet with Mel Torme / and schmooze with Parson Brown

“Good King Wenceslas will come / if the snow falls not one inch

He’ll get his chance to melt the heart / of mean old Mr. Grinch

“Ebenezer Scrooge, and the Cratchits / and the Ghost of Christmas Past

Chuck Dickens would have wanted it / but we’d better move real fast

We’ll sing some sacred carols / the tunes we love so well

Like “Rockin’ around the Christmas tree / Silent Night and Jingle Bells”

But his brow became all furrowed / and he stroked his bearded chin

As the awesome implications / began to settle in

“Eight reindeer plus young Rudolph / six laying geese, three hens

Twelve leaping lords, now hold it / where will the guest list end?

“And where’s the place to hold it / the old Town Hall’s too small

And we’re well beyond capacity / at Highline Mushroom Hall

“Just what’s this going to cost me / and I hope I don’t sound rude

But what if folks are only there / for eggnog and free food?

“And though he knows some party tricks / like ‘thumpety thump thump thump’

Frosty might bring trouble / or a tweet from Donald Trump

“As for that little drummer boy / I suppose that he can come

But if you’re like me you’ve heard enough / parumpa rumpa pum pum

“The local politicians all / will no doubt want to speak

If I give them 30 seconds / they’ll take up one whole week

“And the residents or Wellington / that they come is fundamental

But their houses look so empty / are they all vacation rentals?”

“And what if someone slips and falls / or gets into a fight?

I may be sued and liable / I’m a good guy - that’s not right!”

When he thought of all the hassles / the more it gave him pause

“‘No party,” he said, “I’ll stay home / just me and Mrs. Claus’