Who are You
Wendy Vega

I read an article, earlier, about Buddhism; how the brain and body change over time. This led to me to do some thinking about it.

Some experts believe we can not change.

Don’t marry someone hoping to change them, as they will dig in their heels and change even less over time than they might otherwise. I also heard, regarding addicts, that they have to want to change. This made me think of my changes.

When I was young, I had a whole set of tastes, likes and desires. I had a favourite colour, foods and types of men that attracted me. It seems that is a world away now.

I still love green, but it’s a more specific greenish-blue. Big Macs no longer appeal to me. Greasy bad men, with long hair, are history. Clothes I wore in the 1980s horrify me now. When did I change?

I think part of it has to do with current trends. What of the inner me, how has that changed? Back in the day, I had many drugs: men, food and real drugs, such as LSD. It was so much fun, chasing these highs. Being in love was the best, but food and acid took a close second place.

Over the years, I’ve been married four times, all to the same sort of emotionally abusive and withholding man. We marry our parents, usually, and it was mom in my case. Although I was married to them, I didn’t really like any of them. Why would I? They weren’t very nice. In the beginning, there was lust and limerence, but after the first year, we just sort of didn’t like each other anymore.

My last love was unrequited.

I met Joey in 1991. He never told me he loved me but we dated for three years.

I held on, even after he moved to Las Vegas and we both married others. He would give me just enough to keep me interested, like making a few dollars in a slot machine. He called on occasion, keeping me hooked in.

Last summer Joey divorced. After all his phone calls, reminiscing about our past, I figured we’d finally be together. Then I read on Facebook that he's in a new relationship. I shut tight as a clam. After 25 years, I gave up dreams of Joey. Unfriend!

 I also gave up dreams of any man. I no longer dream of being in love. It’s not realistic when you’re over fifty.

Sure, I go on dating websites, but I’m just not into Bubba from the Bronx. I might have been when I was 17 years old. I changed.

I’ve been hurt too many times by making stupid choices. If it happens, great, but I’m in rehab over that particular drug. I don’t want some old man I’m must to nurse through whatever.

As for food, I’ve changed there too. I’ve trained myself not to crave what is bad for me. I like cheese, but I get pizza with only a tiny bit of cheese; a little goes a long way. Stop ordering extra cheese on your pizza.

I seldom eat meat and eat many veggies. I eat little sugar, though I’d love a piece of cake, now and again, and will have a small one at a party. I don’t love salt anymore.

I no longer take drugs, obviously, well, only legal ones. I drink wine at night and sometimes take an Ambien. That’s what left. I’m off men, foods that aren’t good for me. So, not much more sugar or salt, which is not great for a foody.

What do I do to find happiness?

Have I changed in my core? Have I trained my brain to be happy despite the lack of old drugs? Is my thought process any different than it was when I was four?

Am I a different person, I don’t think so. I still feel depressed, especially not having a job. I just know how to numb myself.

Things about my personality have changed. I used to be shy, now I’m not. I think my essence is the same; a hurt little girl using food and love to feel better and still didn’t, really.

I think we can change, if we really want to. Convicts lead productive lives and start families, all of that. Deep down inside, I wonder if they are still hearing that critical judging voice telling them they’re not good enough.

As for Buddhism, I might try. Maybe it will become my new drug, like cats. I really believe that if you do it, meditation helps. Too many people say it does for it not to be true. Meanwhile, think about how you’ve changed, both on the surface and inside. How have you changed, really?