Delusionally Hip
Jennifer Flaten

I always feel so hip and with it-yeah, I know I’m delusional-when I see a first run movie. So, what if the movie I am seeing usually stars a Muppet or some other animated creature, at least I am seeing something when it is first released and not three years later.

Please don’t ask me to name the last movie I saw that wasn’t for the 12 and under crowd, it would only confirm your worst fears about me.

The most I can hope for with most PG13 and above movies is that I remember to put them on my Netflix list when they finally become available on DVD.

Oh yeah, and that Netflix list, I will never, ever watch all the movies on the list. I’m already planning to have “Still has 135 movies in her queue” on my tombstone.

I hardly ever watch movies, mainly because the kids guard the TV like Smaug guards the gold, but also because most of the time I can’t find anything I really want to watch.

How is that possible with over 200 movies on my list? Eh, it’s a girl thing. This is why I often find myself watching an episode of Chopped from 2011 for the fifth time.

Yes, I scroll through my queue, but hell most of the time, I can’t remember why I wanted to watch that particular movie in the first place. Was it the fantastic special effects, the clever plot? Peer pressure? None of the above?

Besides, by the time I do get around to watching a movie any element of surprise is totally gone. This is especially true of movies with big reveals or plot twists. I knew the kid saw dead people the day the damn movie came out thanks to a blabby cube mate.

Short of going off the grid, it is impossible to avoid hearing the spoiler. Sure, when the movie first comes out, everyone tries hard not to reveal the big surprise, but after a certain amount of time, everyone figures there is no one left who hasn’t seen the movie. So they feel free to give away the big reveal.

Sometimes, I don’t even bother putting the movie on my list, I just troll the internet reading about the movie, once I have the salient plot points I mark that in the “saw” column. Winning!

When I do get out to see a movie, I try to ignore the fact that I am seeing the movie at 10 am. I haven’t stepped foot inside after 6p since…well, suffice to say a long time.  On the plus side, I don’t have to pay the usurious rates of an evening movie, which leaves me money to spend on popcorn.

With three kids, I can’t get away with buying anything smaller than the super jumbo max tub of popcorn and the only way to afford that without taking out a loan is to go to the early show.

You would think a quantity of popcorn that would fill a swimming pool would last, it doesn‘t. Our popcorn rarely lasts past the opening credits. The only reason I get more than a scant handful is I threaten to ground the kids if I don’t get at least half the tub. Naturally, that much popcorn tends to leave you a little parched. Enter the super jumbo soda-same price as a compact car.

Ah, but with the super jumbo soda you have to pace yourself or you end up missing the end of the movie, if you know what I mean. Then you have to add that movie to your queue so you can see the ending.