Deconstruct This
Jennifer Flaten

Join hands with me now and solemnly swear you will never, ever use the word deconstructed to refer to a food item. I don’t think I can stand one more cook off where the hopeful contestant presents a plate to the chef-judge, I believe that is now an official job title, and explains they didn’t want to do a plain hamburger, so they did something “different.”

As the camera lovingly pans over the food, we can see the chef has presented a meat patty on the plate with a bun to the side, voila a deconstructed hamburger. That’s not deconstructed. That is lazy.

In that vein, perhaps I can just type a bunch of random letters on this page and refer to it as my column “deconstructed.” Here you go, enjoy sorting it out; I will be on the deck with a beer.

As we are on the subject of things that should go away, how about the use of the word validated. Again, I watch many, some would say too many, cooking competitions and some chef is always hoping to be validated by the win. What are you a parking stub?

I am seriously considering hopping in my time machine, did I say my, I meant my theoretically possible, and finding the guy who first used that word in reference to a human being and conking them with my ACME clown hammer.

Usually, said chef has worked in the industry for umpteen years and has a successful business; yet is unsure they’ve made the right career choice. Invariably the chefs are 100% positive that winning the 10 grand will make them absolutely sure, they chose correctly.

Imagine if Jesus would have had that attitude. Picture him turning to an apostle “Dude, I’ve turned water into wine and cured lepers, but if I don’t win miracle worker of the year I just won’t feel validated.”

I also think we are starting to scrap the bottom of the barrel in terms of competitive shows. I think I’ve mentioned the competitive taxidermy show and I believe I saw an ad for a programme about men who go to beard shows. Yes, competitive beards; do they sing, dance what?

I am not a total Grinch, I can see a half an hour programme about extreme couponing-although unless they cut coupons while leaping out of a plane I suggest we eliminate the word “extreme.” Perhaps even an hour, but not a whole series. This would appeal to the same demographic that enjoys watching paint dry.

How about the new programme about bra fitting’ again, I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried. I can hear the over inflated sense of drama now-will Vivian choose the full coverage or, gasp, will she choose the demi sheer.

Personally, I own many bras and I can say unequivocally that I am not the least bit interested in watching a programme about other women finding the proper bra. I believe that falls under the heading none of my business. I suspect it’s going to be a ratings hit, at least until men figure out that they won’t get to see the women topless in the fitting room; Lord, I hope not.

Do television development people use the whole roomful of chimps and a typewriter theory for programme development? Maybe, they deconstruct a bunch of ideas, throw the components into a hat, and then grab the pieces a reconstruct a new programme me coming soon to a TV near you “Competitive Embalming.” Oh boy, I can’t wait!